I get really sad after good stuff.

It was so easy to realise that I get really sad after good stuff, but it can be hard to actually deal with it. Knowing why something happens doesn’t automatically stop it happening, in the same way that knowing why you feel certain things doesn’t stop you feeling them. I can also get really good after sad stuff, which is much better, but can also be hard to deal with.

I’ve been in a “creative rut" spiral for a while now. I’ve stopped drawing, writing, sending newsletters, and pretty much everything else. But I have been doing a lot of good stuff. I signed two book deals, I’ve travelled a lot, and . . . well that’s pretty much it. But even though the good stuff is still happening — I signed my book deals last month, and I’ve recently been to Norway and Belgium — a few weeks ago I started to feel incredibly sad. 

I quickly moved beyond sadness and into the bit that I hate the most. Nothing. I was empty and flat and incapable of feeling or thinking anything at all. I saw an unbelievable sunset and shrugged. I gazed out at the ocean and felt dead inside. I ate amazing ice cream and said “yeah, that was OK”. It was not OK.

One of the main reasons I get sad after (and during) good stuff is that same pop-psychology reason which affects a lot of people. WHAT IF THE GOOD STUFF GOES BAD?! I know that doesn't happen very often, and I know that bad stuff happening is OK and I can deal with it. But I still can’t shake that feeling, you know? 

Another not-so-pop-psychology reason I get sad after good stuff is that I stop making and sharing things online. I stop making time for it when life feels good, and I lose all desire to do it when life seems bad. It’s hard to find The Balance. But I’ve realised recently that the way I best deal with being a human who is alive amongst other humans is by making stuff and sharing it.

As I’m writing this a tense and weird energy is building up inside of me, and maybe you too. That energy is me resisting the urge to type the words “so from now on I’m going to draw more, blog more, send newsletters more, and blah blah blah more”. All I’m saying is that it feels like the sad stuff and the nothingness is over with. Hopefully it’s time for me to get good again.

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